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Bringing Rain to the Desert: A Question About Uncovering Pleasure After a (Very) Long Dry Spell

Advice & How Tos June 11, 2014

Q: I am from Mumbai, India. After my wife and I had our only child, she lost all interest in sex. I am now 50 years old, and until age 40 I was unaware of female orgasms. I have tried to explain this to her, but many years have been lost, and I feel guilty. I have tried all possible ways to make her climax but nothing has worked. I love my wife very much. What advice do you have?

 

A: First of all, you should give yourself credit for your efforts. Not all men are so concerned with pleasing their partners, even the ones who are well aware of female orgasms. It’s obvious you care a lot about your wife, and that’s a good start.

 

The female body can be a tricky thing—especially when you feel so much pressure to make up for lost time. Your wife probably has as many mixed feelings as you do, and since your sex life has had some rough patches, it’s going to take a little extra effort to figure out where she’s coming from and what she’d like from you. While you may feel inadequate for not being able to please her, there’s a good chance she may be feeling the same way because she knows you’re making an effort. She could be experiencing a number of less-than-pleasant emotions, like confusion over her own body’s reactions, or uncertainty about what type of pleasure she might enjoy. All of these stressful feelings can zap the joy right out of sex.

 

So while it might sound a little cliché, communication is going to be your best friend here. It’s really important to try to encourage your wife to open up about what she wants from your sex life, what turns her on, what type of experiences she’d like to have. Try and catch her in an intimate moment, when you are focused on each other, and let her know how important her happiness is to you. This journey is an extension of your love for her, so make sure she knows that is your motivation and it should make her more comfortable opening up. Encourage to describe her feelings—both emotional and physical. It will help her process what she wants from this adventure. Once you get a better idea of what her desires are, then you can start learning how to fill them by moving on to the fun stage: experimentation!

 

Each woman needs something a little different to get to the Big O, so even if you’re reading books or doing research, those techniques won’t work on every woman. If your wife is willing, you might want to start by asking if you could watch her pleasure herself, so you can see how and where she touches, how fast she likes it, what level of pressure, and so on. Not only is it hot, it’s a great way to take notes (mental ones, that is).

 

She may want to start on her own, so she doesn’t feel self conscious, and that’s ok. This is a big leap for her in understanding her body and the magic it is capable of. Most people discover orgasms through masturbation, so encouraging her to try it on her own will help her be more comfortable when the two of you get busy.

 

Many women’s bodies require more stimulation than another person can offer, and I’ve known several who say they can only climax with the help of a vibrator. The Lelo Alia is a subtle, feminine design that would make a really neat gift, and it’s a great starter toy if she hasn’t used one before. It doesn’t look like a sex toy, so it won’t feel cheesy when you introduce it. (Besides, it comes with jewelry, so how could you go wrong?) Another great option is the Gigi G-spot Vibrator. It can be used internally or externally, and there are several options for how it vibrates and how fast. She can start slow and work her way up until she finds her desired speed. That’s one she could use on her own, or even better, with your help.

 

 

Using toys when you are together is amazingly stimulating. Start with something small, like the Iroha Mini (below). She can hold it to her clitorus during sex and get twice the sensation as normal.The WeVibe 4 is another fantastic toy for couples. It is used internally so you both will reap the benefits.

 

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And of course, one of our Liberator Wedges is an awesome way to get deeper penetration. If you think about sex on a normal bed, your body just isn’t in the ideal position for receiving pleasure. By that little tilt of the hips, she will engage her body in a new way and receive more sensations and pleasure. We’ve had several women say that they have an easier time orgasming with one of our Shapes.

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We also offer a very informative guide to female orgasms, which could be a great tool for you both to watch together. That way, she would be able to point out which of the DVD’s suggestions ring true for her, and which you can ignore.

 

If you’ve exhausted all your efforts without success, don’t worry—there’s a good chance it has nothing to do you with either of you. It’s not uncommon for both men and women to have a harder time getting off as they get older, and there could be a number of biological reasons she’s having trouble climaxing. A visit to the doctor couldn’t hurt, and fortunately there are medications and other resources designed just for these very issues.

 

Don’t give up hope—your wife is lucky to have a partner who cares about her needs. With enough communication and the right experimentation, I think you both have a great chance at turning your sex life around for the better.

 

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Love Your Vagina!

Love, Sex September 11, 2012

I usually dig around once a day and post something that I find interesting. Today I ran across a new product made in the U.K. called “Mooncup” sanitary products for women. I’m not going to give you an endorsement of this product, because to be honest with you, I have no idea after looking at it how it actually works! Whatthey do have is a catchy little song on the site. When I heard it I couldn’t stop cackling and it really got me thinking!

Women, we really should love our vaginas!

Men are obsessed with their private parts. A day doesn’t go by that they don’t graze, grab, talk about, look at or think about their “stuff.” Granted, their anatomy is on the outside of their body so it makes it a little more of an obvious, companion, shall we say.

A woman’s delicates, while not as obvious, are always a big part of her life. Think of all the things we do in our life that revolve around our vaginas.

Let me check my calendar:

Depending on what time of the month it is, we dictate our schedule around it.

For example: You have been invited to a pool party. If it’s day 15 of your cycle you are good to go and will bring the bikini! If it’s day 28 you may decline, or accept but bring that one piece that your grandmother gave you that comes all the way down to your thighs.

Meeting new people: Women find themselves in certain situations where people we may not know so well must look at your private parts. Let me just say one thing, “Slide all the way to the edge of the table and put your feet in the stirrups.” Enough said?

What to wear: An entire centuries old billion dollar industry was built around how to cover, or not cover, your vagina. Since nineteenth century Sears and Roebuck to today’s Victoria’s Secret catalogs we have been inundated with suggestions of what to put on and what to take off of our vaginas!

To Be or Not To Be: Our vagina is our direct link to motherhood. We spend so many years trying not to get pregnant – we use condoms, the pill, diaphragms, sponges, shots and all the while keeping our eye on the calendar so we know when our vaginas are in the safe zone. Then one day we decide we want to get pregnant. We trade all the above in for basal thermometers, temperature charts, ovulation kits, timed encounters, pelvic tilt pillows and pregnancy tests.

All that stuff and all that time was spent with one body part in mind!

“I brought you into this world and I can take you out!”

Once you have done the almost near impossible task of delivering a baby you have your vagina to thank for all those wonderful moments of snuggling, baby kisses and cooing that the true love of your life, your baby, brings. Later you can also thank your vagina when that same sweet baby has turned into a teenager and their raging hormones and mood swings have you wanting to lock them in a box until they are ready for college.

I did it all for the nookie: And of course there is that one tiny thing that vagina’s are most well known for; Sex! As the old song goes “There ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone!” Enjoy it while you can, because you really are “The master of your domain!” 🙂

p.s. If any of you figure out how that Mooncup works could you let the rest of us know? I’m just curious!

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