Exploring kinks can be one of the most exciting types of intimacy, but if you’re new to the idea, you may be wondering where to start. What if your partner doesn’t like it? What if you’re not sure what you like? Kink is really personal, and no two experiences are alike—but a few basics can take your sex life from vanilla to wildberry in no time.
Q: My girlfriend is just starting to embrace being a Domme, and I am happily accepting being Her sub. We are not, and likely will never be anything like a 24/7 pair, and involving others is unlikely. For now, we need resources for ideas. She knows that she has carte blanche with me—that she can pursue anything that intrigues her—but she would like some thought starters, either in the way of stories, or simple how-to. What are good resources to get her juices flowing…creative and otherwise?
A: No matter how hard-core someone is, there is always a starting point. An exciting place to be, not only because of the looming nibble of tease and temptation, but because it can really nerve wracking. Will you get hurt, or seemingly worse, will you do something not-so-sexy and slightly embarrassing? It sounds like you two have a good place to start—with trust and communication—so let’s get down to a few ingredients that can add spice to this cocktail.
First up, some great reading material.
BDSM 101 goes over the very basics of a Dom and Sub type activities. Great for getting roleplaying started, it covers bondage and discipline; dominance and submission; and sadomasochism.
If you are looking for something more advanced, check out Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns. Not only a clever title, this book will go into greater detail of everything in a BDSM lifestyle. It gives great instruction and will touch upon the basics, safety guidelines, and resources for anything and everything related to the lifestyle.
Also, have you considered looking to erotica for ideas? Nothing gets my creativity flowing like reading a sexy scene and then adapting it for my partner. I think fantasy is the main appeal of this kind of play—it creates an environment where you don’t have to be yourself. Reading other stories and adapting them for your particular tastes is a great way to explore things you might not have thought of otherwise, plus it gives you a ready-made story to lose yourself in. Try Best Bondage Erotica to discover your virtual playground.
Liberator excels at creating bondage and restraint products that are perfect for beginners. Take the Talea Spreader Bar, for instance. It limits your movements and keeps your legs or arms (or both!) in place while your lover has their way—but you still have the ability to be mobile. Plus, it has a foam bolster around the bar, so you can use it for lift without the clank and discomfort of the metal bars. As a dom, your lover can request/order you to do retrieve something for them, or you can be forced to service her while wearing Talea on your wrists like a stockade.
You can create some fantasy without a four poster bed with the Bed Buckler. It is great for fully restraining your partner and keeping them spread eagle. A great game to play is to ask the Sub questions and with each correct answer treat them sweetly—for example, stroke them gently with the Hello Touch by Jimmy Jane. This leaves the Dom’s hands free for every incorrect answer, which can “punished” with a slapper, or flogger, or riding crop.
Nothing shows a Sub more love than a well selected collar. They are great for play and an amazing visual eye candy. I am in love with the Dita Collar—with an elongated height, it will keep you sitting pretty. Or for something a little more powerful, try the Varik Collar, ideal for rough play.
And there are games to play that require no accessories at all. The Dom can call or text you with a task to complete before she get home. It may be that you should be on your knees awaiting her arrival and permission to move, or stripping down naked and waiting with a leash in your mouth for her to get home. The Sub, in turn, would welcome her or him home in the agreed upon fashion—be that five minutes or five hours later. She should be ready to deal out the punishment or pleasure for a job well done.
This next game is a test of knowledge for the Sub. The Dom can do a mix of personal questions like, “What is my favorite color?” to “What is my favorite sexual position?” She will deal out punishment for wrong answered questions, like running an ice cube down your back or giving a nice firm hair pull. For correctly answered questions, she can treat her Sub to a kiss or a lick.
The final suggestion is called Concentration. The Sub will read a book out loud—adult or no—while the Dom will tease/ torture to throw off focus.This can be done by binding you to a chair or spanking bench. How far can you go before you lose concentration?
You have a long and fun-filled road ahead of you! I hope these answers inspire you to start your journey off right and with the sense of adventure it requires. Happy Smacking!