Q: I am from Mumbai, India. After my wife and I had our only child, she lost all interest in sex. I am now 50 years old, and until age 40 I was unaware of female orgasms. I have tried to explain this to her, but many years have been lost, and I feel guilty. I have tried all possible ways to make her climax but nothing has worked. I love my wife very much. What advice do you have?
A: First of all, you should give yourself credit for your efforts. Not all men are so concerned with pleasing their partners, even the ones who are well aware of female orgasms. It’s obvious you care a lot about your wife, and that’s a good start.
The female body can be a tricky thing—especially when you feel so much pressure to make up for lost time. Your wife probably has as many mixed feelings as you do, and since your sex life has had some rough patches, it’s going to take a little extra effort to figure out where she’s coming from and what she’d like from you. While you may feel inadequate for not being able to please her, there’s a good chance she may be feeling the same way because she knows you’re making an effort. She could be experiencing a number of less-than-pleasant emotions, like confusion over her own body’s reactions, or uncertainty about what type of pleasure she might enjoy. All of these stressful feelings can zap the joy right out of sex.
So while it might sound a little cliché, communication is going to be your best friend here. It’s really important to try to encourage your wife to open up about what she wants from your sex life, what turns her on, what type of experiences she’d like to have. Try and catch her in an intimate moment, when you are focused on each other, and let her know how important her happiness is to you. This journey is an extension of your love for her, so make sure she knows that is your motivation and it should make her more comfortable opening up. Encourage to describe her feelings—both emotional and physical. It will help her process what she wants from this adventure. Once you get a better idea of what her desires are, then you can start learning how to fill them by moving on to the fun stage: experimentation!
Each woman needs something a little different to get to the Big O, so even if you’re reading books or doing research, those techniques won’t work on every woman. If your wife is willing, you might want to start by asking if you could watch her pleasure herself, so you can see how and where she touches, how fast she likes it, what level of pressure, and so on. Not only is it hot, it’s a great way to take notes (mental ones, that is).
She may want to start on her own, so she doesn’t feel self conscious, and that’s ok. This is a big leap for her in understanding her body and the magic it is capable of. Most people discover orgasms through masturbation, so encouraging her to try it on her own will help her be more comfortable when the two of you get busy.
Many women’s bodies require more stimulation than another person can offer, and I’ve known several who say they can only climax with the help of a vibrator. The Lelo Alia is a subtle, feminine design that would make a really neat gift, and it’s a great starter toy if she hasn’t used one before. It doesn’t look like a sex toy, so it won’t feel cheesy when you introduce it. (Besides, it comes with jewelry, so how could you go wrong?) Another great option is the Gigi G-spot Vibrator. It can be used internally or externally, and there are several options for how it vibrates and how fast. She can start slow and work her way up until she finds her desired speed. That’s one she could use on her own, or even better, with your help.
Using toys when you are together is amazingly stimulating. Start with something small, like the Iroha Mini (below). She can hold it to her clitorus during sex and get twice the sensation as normal.The WeVibe 4 is another fantastic toy for couples. It is used internally so you both will reap the benefits.
And of course, one of our Liberator Wedges is an awesome way to get deeper penetration. If you think about sex on a normal bed, your body just isn’t in the ideal position for receiving pleasure. By that little tilt of the hips, she will engage her body in a new way and receive more sensations and pleasure. We’ve had several women say that they have an easier time orgasming with one of our Shapes.
We also offer a very informative guide to female orgasms, which could be a great tool for you both to watch together. That way, she would be able to point out which of the DVD’s suggestions ring true for her, and which you can ignore.
If you’ve exhausted all your efforts without success, don’t worry—there’s a good chance it has nothing to do you with either of you. It’s not uncommon for both men and women to have a harder time getting off as they get older, and there could be a number of biological reasons she’s having trouble climaxing. A visit to the doctor couldn’t hurt, and fortunately there are medications and other resources designed just for these very issues.
Don’t give up hope—your wife is lucky to have a partner who cares about her needs. With enough communication and the right experimentation, I think you both have a great chance at turning your sex life around for the better.