When the internet came along, the sex toy market exploded much like a bukkake video. A modern day equivalent to a ‘wishing well,’ the World Wide Web has become a virtual kink factory, churning out some of the most bizarre sex toys imaginable. Don’t believe us? Just type in Vladimir Putin Butt Plug, and viola, there he is, ready to go where no dictator has ever gone before (that we know of at least).
It’s mind boggling to know that we live in an age where practically anything you can think of has already been thought of by someone else, and better yet, manifested into the form of sexual device. Being familiar with the internet as we are, we know a thing or two about what turns people on. From genital cuffs, to radioactive alien blowup dolls, to fulfilling your Twi-Hard fantasies, there is literally something for everyone. Come, feast your eyes on the some of the most bizarre sex toys ever imagined. But brace yourselves—you may never be the same again.
The Constant Gardener
It’s safe to say that this toy came straight from someone’s special nightmare. We’re not sure who this thing is supposed to resemble, but one thing’s for certain, the facial hair really ups the creep factor.
Come Into the Light
Ever been going down on someone and lost your way? Problem solved, the Oral Sex Light can help navigate the path to pleasure. So, the next time you’re going south, simply strap on this convenient lamp, and just like the gentleman on the package, find your way to sexy town.
The Eager Beaver
Half hamster, half grizzly bear. Whatever your wildest fantasy, this plush-one appears to have the chops to satisfy. The great thing about this toy is that it can be used for warm, soft cuddling afterward.
The Hole in One
In case you have any doubt, this is an inflatable sex doll made to look like the greatest golfer ever. Here he is flanked by a bevy of beauties, all of whom are looking lustfully at his back nine. And who can blame them? What stronger aphrodisiac is there than being really, really proficient at golf and having the As Seen on TV endorsement deal?
Ghost in the Machine
We all know that sex toys come in all shapes and sizes, but Netherlands-based designer Mark Sturkenboom has taken things to a whole new level of weird. This erotically-shaped urn is part of the “21 Grams” collection: a memory box designed to help grieving people feel the physical presence of their dearly departed. Basically, it’s a dildo that you will be dying to use.
Because Bigger is, well, just Bigger
Feeling inspired by motion in the ocean? These dildos cater an extremely niche market: those who know that, of all the dicks out there, the only one’s that really matter are that of an aquatic nature. Here we have an example of the Killer Whale Cock and the Squildo. Imaginative indeed, because there is nothing like being sexually stimulated by wet and horny marine life.
Of all the products most likely to inspire a horror flick, this may just top the list. Let’s have a “just imagine” moment. It’s 2 am, and you’ve stumbled your way to the bathroom to take a routine piss. Sitting quietly, and with your eyes half-closed, all of a sudden you see a disembodied tongue making its way toward you. Like a slimy villain it slithers across the cold, tiled floor—licking and licking and licking. Simply put, there’s no ifs, ands, or buts—a vibrating tongue is not okay.
People have all types of fetishes. Some are into riding crops, while others go ga-ga over furry giant cocks. But this sex toy seems to take fetish just a tiny step beyond all comprehension—and if you can’t tell already—it’s a rubber foot and vagina combo. Bam! Two for the price of one. To up the ante on the gross-out factor, here’s an actual quote from the company’s website: “Just like the real thing, this foot is ideal to keep in your drawer and take with you on those long business trips!” Uhm, try explaining that one to TSA.
See, sex toys don’t have to be all about you. They can just as easily be used to give pleasure to another, like, say, your best friend. This may or may not be stuck at the concept phase, but face it, it’s probably the coolest looking dog toy you’ve ever seen.
Rub My Duckie
Inexplicably mixing an innocent children’s bath tub toy with the debauched needs of a 40-something “Cathy” fan, someone came up with this cute little vibrating dildo duck. Worse yet, it comes in a tiny travel size, for when you plan on leaving home but just don’t have the space for your gigantic, novelty duck vibrator in your luggage.
Twerking has danced its way into our hearts and virtually every orifice of our culture, which also now includes sex toys. Those naughty guys over at Pornhub have even decided to get into the action with the release of its new TwerkingButt. Of course, this sex toy will make you question everything.
There are definitely some really strange sex toys out there. Whatever your fetish, your fantasy, even a fleeting thought, there’s a very good chance that someone, somewhere will be able to cater to your needs. But just remember one thing—anything can become a sex toy, if you’re brave enough!0