man-gets-tattoo-on-penisAnyone who’s been around the block a few times could safely say that penises sometimes have a mind of their own. What other organ do you know of that can grow several times its normal size and then shrink without any warning, despite all the best intentions. One of the reasons why we are so fascinated by that “junior partner,” is that it seems to have an unpredictable personality. Now, I may be oversharing with this question, but how many times have you’ve seen someone’s meatstick and immediately thought, “huh, that kind of reminds me Woody Allen in Sleeper.”

The real issue at stake is how to understand the power behind the throne. Understand the penis, you’ll understand, a bit more, about the man. So we’ve gone through some very deep physical therapy sessions to catch a glimpse of the various penis personality types. And of course, there are endless nuances making each penis unique and special in its own right, but these broad strokes can help you understand what you are working with.

Is it manhandling pleasure seeker, or a well-behaved aristocrat? One thing’s for sure—you can’t spell personality without the penis.

gangsterThe Wiseguy

Just like the characters in Goodfellas, penises, in general, are stand up guys. When you need to whack someone or something, “Frankie” is always there to bury it deep in the woods. But take precautions when dealing with the Godfather of penises—he’s always making offers you can’t refuse. Although mostly handsome, well-groomed and impeccably dressed, this kind of cock does not take well to rejection, which could end with you taking it to the mattresses.

The Hipster

hipsterThis 21st Century dick can come across as nonchalant, often needing some direct action to get his engine going. Unable to make a definitive choice between oral or vaginal, this aloof member is certain to inform you of how it’s been there and done that, all while clinging to the hope of the elusive anal. Not impressed by the mainstream, this dingus thrives in a subculture of obscure sexual positions, you’ve probably never heard of, banging to the rhythm of The Strokes, and finds dirty bathrooms an aphrodisiac. And of course, he decorates himself with obscure tattoos and odd piercings.

The Elected Official

politicsThe political personality is known for his overwhelming charm and believing that the mere sight of his pink toadstool will cause women to instantly hand over their votes. And, the Elected Official finds it a little too easy to flip flop. Shall it be the far Left or the extreme Right? It really just depends on the polidicks. From there, however, this personality type goes in a myriad of directions. For instance, we have the Strauss-Kahn—an international wanker that thoroughly enjoys the thrill peek-a-boo with hotel maids. The all-mighty Spitzer—a rather large tax and spender of high-priced escorts. The Wiener—a prick that is perfectly-sized in 140 characters or less. And of course, the Schwarzenegger—a Conan-sized behemoth that’s equipped with a secret baby-maker.

The Monarch

kingKing-sized beds were invented specifically because of the sheer magnitude of this cock. Much like Henry the VIII, this majestic tallywacker rules the entire body and expects instant gratification as well as civil obedience. It’s the confidence that makes this personality so appealing, but also so dangerous. Stroke his ego well, and you’ll wind up living life in luxury with 800-thread count sheets. But be wary when negotiating terms of this anaconda—one false move, and it’s off with your head!

The Pro

speedWhen referring to this athletic cock with disarming machismo, it’s easy to get swayed by his physical capabilities. But keep in mind—one size does not fit all. Depending on the type of sport, a jock cock comes in a variety of shapes and sizes. For instance, a Formula One penis will achieve maximum speed thrusting, but doesn’t last that long. Or the Golfer—he’s in for the long haul, but beware! He will sometimes ask if his caddy can come along. On the other side of the spectrum, athleticism does not mean having to be big or fast, but rather more calculating. Take, for example, a Quidditch pro-pecker. Confined to college campuses mostly, this valiant muggle can step beyond its limitation and do something more with its broomstick that just sweep the floor.

The Entertainer

funnyHaving a sense of humor is a trait worthy of admiration. But having cock being used as a prop for laughter is priceless. Maybe it’s that they are looking for your reaction more than their own objectives, or because they will sacrifice anything for your enjoyment, but they certainly make memorable lovers. They thrive under pressure, and when they are having a good show they will bask in the glory. But beware of off nights, and never heckle unless you want to get bounced out of the club. Laugh or wince all you want, but a theatrical penis is usually the one that gets the standing ovation.

 

 

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