Asked by you, answered by Ava

Hello Ava,

My husband and I have been married for over six years, but our love life is falling apart. Long before I met him, my husband was in a severe car accident. Though he has mostly recovered, he still has issues with his ankles being weak and balance problems. Sometime he has to walk with a brace on.

As you can imagine, this makes it extremely difficult for us to enjoy foreplay and intercourse in almost every sex position we’ve tried except missionary (which is not very fun for me). I know it’s frustrating and embarrassing for him. And I love him very much, but I’m finding it’s starting to affect my ability to view and desire him as a man, and getting to the point that I don’t enjoy lovemaking anymore and shut down emotionally when things go wrong, or he loses his balance and stops what he’s doing.

We currently have the Wedge from Liberator, and I want to get more products, but my husband doesn’t think they’re necessary. Do you have any suggestions, please, on what can help our situation without hurting his ego – any products, positions, exercises, shapes… anything?!?! 

Woman on top positions are okay, and some doggy-style is. Standing Doggy bent over the bed is okay to a point, but then there is a risk of balance/ankle issues after a while. Doggy on the bed has been hit-or-miss, especially if the mattress surface shifts and causes him to lose his balance. Vaginal sex is usually okay in those positions, but we have tried to experiment a little in anal sex, and this has caused some issues with aiming problems, me freaking out because of pain or risk of cross-contamination with the penis accidentally hitting the vagina after hitting the anus.

Oral sex seems to be fine for him in any position. Even standing depending on for how long it’s done. When doing it for me, comfort is an issue. I know he’s not comfortable, and usually gets tired or sore after a while as he usually ends up kneeling at the edge of the bed and yanking me right to the edge as well. Because I know he’s not comfortable and really enjoying myself, I can’t enjoy myself. Plus, I’m not comfortable in that position either but don’t have the heart to tell him that. 

We both started out as very inexperienced lovers when we married, and although I have done extensive reading on positions, technique, etc., he has not. A lot of what he has learned has sadly come from pornography, and I have found it very hard to communicate what I want and what isn’t working and what is without hurting his ego or causing a fight. I also find that when I have to constantly be communicating, shifting hands and other parts, etc., it gets me out of the mood fast and I just want the act over and done with.

I admit when perusing the current shapes offered, my eyes were drawn to the Equus. It appealed to me for many reasons, including its ability to be hidden in plain sight (we need a coffee table or something at the edge of the bed for putting shoes on anyway), the cuffs and loops available on the Black Label version, and the ability to gain leverage and balance with both feet being able to be on the ground like in some of the product videos I’ve seen. Ideally, I like the look of the Esse, but I don’t know how I could easily hide it in our home, and it is more expensive. But even with the Equus, price was a big issue for my husband – even when I showed him the product videos. Would the Equus be a good selection based on what I’ve described? Or are there things that would be better and maybe more affordable?

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beautiful girl with a pointer in pointsWow, my heart goes out to you two. When sex is good, it is not important. But when the sex is bad, it can be everything to a relationship. It is trust and giving at its most concentrated, so if something is off in the rest of your relationship, it can become off in the bedroom as well.

It sounds like you are a giving woman. You are willing to try new things to make your husband happy and allow your passion to reach its fullest. That is a great place to start, and while there are some things I can recommend to try, the basis of anything you do will have to come for a shared desire to please each other. If your husband feels inadequate, or takes your wanting to try new things as an indication that you are unhappy with him, he may pull back.

It is a tricky situation because you have every right to express your desires and he has the responsibility of being present with you in your pursuit to discover your sexual self. He also has the right to say no to some things that may make him uncomfortable.

We say it all the time, and it is always true: communication is at the heart of great sex. It sounds like you are opening up to him, stepping out of your comfort zone in the effort to connect with him on a more profound level. Make sure he knows that you are doing this, not because you think he is a bad lover or you are unhappy, but because you want more of him.

There is no reason that the introduction of toys or other accessories should be anything more than a good time, but it sounds like he is taking it personally. You can help him overcome this way of thinking by taking the time to show him your passion for him—maybe start the night with an extra special blow job or a toy for him. That will show him that pleasure is pleasure, and you can take joy in seeing your partner experience pleasure—if it comes from you, from themselves, or from a toy. Even better, try a couple’s toy for pleasure that can be shared.

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To be a good lover, one must be both greedy and giving. Show him the joy of giving, so he can reflect it back to you. I know that I love giving back to my partner and feel so appreciative of the love he has shown me after I am well satisfied myself. And make sure he knows that it is your turn afterward. Be greedy for pleasure—odds are he will love seeing your desire.

On to the main course—intercourse!

Concerning his balance issues, it sounds like he has a threshold on his ability to do a lot of the movements. Putting pressure on his ankles causes pain or instability, so in order for him to go longer, he’ll have to work from the knees up.

You asked about the Equus, which is great for straddling on the floor and can double as a coffee table. But, considering his ankle issues, it probably won’t do you a lot of good. In sitting positions he will have to use his ankles to push off and so it could put undo pressure on him. I would think the furniture pieces will not give you the results you are hoping for.

Center Stage

Instead, I would recommend a Center Stage Massage Platform. You can use it on the bed or floor, so it opens you up a bit more to positions where he can work from his knees. Plus, you can surprise him with it as a massage base. It is 4” high, so it give a little lift for an easier reach. It is made from super dense foam, so unlike giving a massage on a normal bed, you get a solid platform for applying the pressure necessary for a deep massage.

That stability is also great if you have a super soft mattress. I have a tempurpedic mattress at home, and it is awesome for sleep but awful for sex. It is so soft, it can be tricky when you are on your knees because they sink in so much that you feel like you are slipping downwards and it can be hard to move from there. So lifting everything up can help both of you—if he is straddling you on the Center Stage, he is more stable, and if his knees are on either side of the Center Stage, you are lifted up so he doesn’t have to work as hard.

Plus it comes with a positioning bolster, so you can get some lift and access, or you can use your Wedge with it. I like to use it with the Whirl for a little extra movement. Check out some of the positions possible here, but there are so many more for you to explore. If you are concerned about space, the Center Stage can be stored under a bed pretty easily.

Speaking of your Wedge, it is great, but when you add the Ramp you get so many more possibilities that I think it is worth it to any couple. A lot of the benefits of combining the two will be for you—deeper penetration and comfort, but for him he will get more control and can direct his thrusts with more ease. This will be great for your anal explorations. No one wants a loose cannon up their ass! He’s got to control his movements for you to relax enough to enjoy it. If you are concerned for space, check out the Flip Ramp. It works a lot like a Ramp, but can be folded for even more positions and doubles as an ottoman. flipramp_web_colors_1_m

This control would work well for him in doggy as well. With the Wedge alone, your body is lifted up, but not nearly as ideally for doggy as the with the Ramp. You can drape your body over it and let go of your tension, and he doesn’t have to do anything to keep you in place. He can focus on the sensation rather than the mechanics of it. It is a similar benefit for oral. Because he has easier access, you don’t have to worry about him bending over for a long time, or putting press on his ankles. It helps take pressure off his neck too, allowing for longer sessions.

Anything new you bring to the bedroom should be thought of as a treat. Like trying a new ice cream, you may not like the flavor as much, but it’s still ice cream. The ability to share new experiences in sex and love is what defines a great relationship. Grow together, try and please each other, and every once and a while, do something completely nasty/dirty/kinky!

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Got a question for Ava? Email her at askava@liberator.com

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