When it comes dating someone new, the first three months don’t really count. Why? Because everyone is on their best behavior. Say too much about the type of sex you truly desire, and it could wind up being a deal-breaker. So instead of speaking up about what we really want in a bed, we play a less authentic version of ourselves in the hopes that our shiny new lover will pick up the hints and carry the weight forever.
But everyone knows that after the ‘honeymoon’ phase, the sex is sometimes the cause of breakups. One reason is that we base our ideas of sex on what we see in the media, or in movies, or on past relationships. It’s very easy, and very human, to assume that when your partner becomes available in a daily basis, or when we’ve made a serious commitment, that our sexual needs will be completely fulfilled more readily and more often. But just because Burger King says you can have it your way, does not mean that goes for sexual relationships.
The reality to getting what you want with a new or existing partner is to talk openly about every aspect of your sex life. By communicating our feelings honestly, and creating clear limits, and then honoring them is what makes everyone happier and healthier. Here’s are just few ways to make negotiating your way to better sex feel less like buying a car and more like discovering a hidden treasure.
Set the Tone
Negotiating for anything can be intellectually and emotionally taxing. So it’s fair to say, that when discussing anything, especially your sex life, it’s much better when you’re in a good head space. Because sex can be a touchy subject, be prepared for some unexpected emotional reactions that your partner may have, and meet it with a smile and acknowledgment.
Show Some Respect
To make the negotiation process mutually beneficial, you can keep each other safe by refraining from the urge to argue. Instead of taking everything personally, use your intelligence and make the constructive changes you both need with focused and intent listening. When your partner feels like they are being heard, they will be more than willing to participate in a new adventure.
Fantasy versus Reality
We all have certain expectations when it comes to having a satisfying sex life, but sometimes our partner will just fall short. Yeah, it was great getting 3 blowjobs a day, but as time goes by, it may no longer be feasible. It’s important to adapt to the changes in your relationship, by comparing the unrealistic with the doable.
Don’t Hold Back
If we don’t inform our partners of what we want, we don’t leave much room for negotiating. A good number of couples keep some sexual secrets under lock and key, while others tragically hide them their entire lives. It is entirely possible to make your needs and desires known by prioritizing what you can and cannot live without. When you’re ready to communicate, make things as clear as possible by offering how it will make you feel in the long run.
Set Clear Limits
Although there are compromises in all relationships, the reality is when it comes to sex, our partners don’t owe us anything. However, what we do owe, to ourselves and each other, is trust, communication, honesty, mutual respect and acceptance. Having the willingness to carry our own weight and set clear limits leads to a great love and understanding in all relationships.
We all have hungry times and dry spells. While we can work with our partner to make both manageable and enjoyable, it is not healthy for anyone to have sex when they don’t want to, or to have sex solely for the purpose of making someone happy. During dry times you need to be taking care of yourself by taking matters into your own hands. Neither you or your partner have the right to demand sex solely because you want it in the here and now.
Use Your Head
In a world chock-full of sex advice, it’s easy to be distracted by “ultimate secret in sex tips,” or salacious Cosmopolitan headlines, which are created more to sell copies than to give sound advice. The best sex tip anyone can give, is to understand yourself first, and then your partner. By accepting both as they are, and by talking to your partner, negotiating can become a normal part of your daily routine. If we are evaluating and discussing our sexual selves daily with an open mind and with sincerity, not only will we find greater sexual satisfaction, we will develop skills for communication, negotiation and self-realization that will affect every aspect of your life.1