Asked by you, answered by Ava

Everyone’s love life deserves a second opinion. Ava is here to answer questions about Liberator products, your sex life, or sex in general. Curious about the best sex positions for a bad back? Wondering how to fit your playtime into a busy schedule? Trying to find the perfect toy to surprise your spouse with? Ava is here to help.

Email your question to askava@liberator.com.  And don’t worry—your secret is safe with her. We will not reveal your name or contact information at any point.

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askava2-980x6681-300x2041I have a girlfriend who has a very hard time having an orgasm.  I bought the Wedge and a sex toy. I have not tried either one yet with her. What positions can I use to give her pleasures that would blow her mind?

Not to say your girl is a robot, but picture her erogenous zones as a series of buttons and levers. One night, you hit the big glowing red one, jiggle the flux capacitor, and pull the main lever—jackpot! Orgasm! Next time, you try the same thing with great expectations and nothing but a slightly bored beeping can be heard. What gives? Where is the instruction manual?

You are in good company because probably every man and many women have been asking the same thing probably since the time of the caveman. (Although they probably used some kind of rock analogy to describe it). Making a woman come isn’t easy. What works one time might not get any results the next.

You make the assumption that one position or technique will do the trick, and this may be the case, but we should probably lay some groundwork to figure out if there is something else at play. I speak from personal experience, and from listening to many other women describe their journey when I say that there are a million ways a woman’s mind can control their body more than they ever realize. So, before we begin with the physical, let’s get mental.

Pressure is an orgasm killer. If she gets a whiff that you are wondering what is taking her so long, or catches you acting like you are too eager to reach the finish line, it’s done. What she needs is to feel comfortable. Let her know that there is nowhere else you would rather be. You could do this all day—and keep in mind you have to mean it because statistically speaking, most women take up to 45 minutes to reach orgasm. Tell her that coming isn’t even that important and that as long as she enjoys herself that is enough for you. This will set the stage for her to relax and stop worrying about reaching a goal.

Overcoming Orgasm Mental Blocks

I heard a Buddhist monk once discuss the ‘monkey mind.’ It’s the part of our minds that is always yammering on in our heads, thinking about the stack of dishes in the sink or that annoying thing Becky at work said. He suggested in order to meditate better to keep your monkey mind busy, and I think the same can be said for reaching orgasm. Give her mind a task—tell her to focus on her breathing. Keep her centered in her body. If it feels like she is floating away, ask her how it feels and what she would like you do do. And when she tells you what she wants—do just that, not that faster or harder. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

Especially if she takes a while to come, she could face sensory overload. If you start with your winning move, and then you keep doing that for the next 45 minutes, it’s not going to work the same the whole time. Her nerves will become desensitized after a while. So you will have to switch it up and progress with the pressure and movements. Start slow, and somewhere other than the clit. A woman’s whole body can be utilized in the build-up, so don’t leave out some delicious foreplay.

Okay. By now you’ve got her warmed up and ready to take it to the next level. Let’s get to the main show. While some women are able to orgasm through vaginal sex (like every starlet ever in a movie). Most women will be more clitorally inclined. I’ve also known several women who could only orgasm through anal sex, so there is a world of possibilities that could work for your girl. The best way would be to ask—what does she like? If she doesn’t know, spend some time experimenting without expecting her to orgasm. Find her hot spots and come back to them over and over so she gets used to the sensations and develops an expectation of pleasure.

If she is able to come through clitoral stimulation, the toy you got her can be her best friend. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t play a pivotal role. If she is unfamiliar with the toy, ask her if you can watch and take notes. Then you can take over and let her relax into the sensations. Most toys can be used during sex, and this is probably going to be your knock-out move. Let her tell you how to move—fast & hard, gentle & soft.

There are some great positions for using a toy with the Wedge. I would recommend:

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If a toy overwhelms her, a session of old-fashioned oral may be the ticket. Settle in and take your time. Luckily, the Wedge will help open her up and make her more accessible, so you won’t strain your neck as much.

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During intercourse, the Wedge will make her feel deeper, richer sensations from your strokes. The little tilt to her pelvis can make a world of difference. If she can come from vaginal sex alone, she will be able to come harder with the Wedge under her. What position is going to work best is up to how your bodies fit together. If she needs to relax, I would recommend a missionary position, so that she can focus on feeling good. If she needs to be in control to get what she wants, cowgirl is best. If she needs it hard, doggy is your best bet.

There are so many possibilities with positions with the Wedge, but here are some classic moves that are sure to please:

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She is lucky to have a guy that is so invested in her pleasure! I’m sure you two crazy kids will figure out what works for her. Remember, it’s the journey, not the destination, and you will be able to savor these moments. Plus, when you do make her come, you will enjoy it that much more that you have given her something truly priceless.

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