Marriage is a great institution, but sometimes it can feel like an institution. We can get so wrapped up in everything else going on with our lives that we lose our edge in bed. The desires that demands satisfaction can get tongue-tied and shy. Which is a shame because being confident is by far the sexiest personality trait. So why is it that we don’t feel comfortable asserting ourselves, especially to a person we are spending our life with?

bedThe problem is that you may not be sure how to bridge the gap from what is and what could be. But, with just the right amount of creativity, blended with a positive attitude and an open mind, you will find that being assertive in bed not only gets you what you want, it is super hot for your partner as well.

While surprising them with whips and chains in the bedroom will certainly express your dominant side, that is not exactly the kind of assertiveness we are talking about. We are talking about communication, physical and verbal, that can boost your confidence, lead to mind-blowing orgasms, and it lets you play out some of your greatest fantasies.

Here are 5 practices that will ensure that your wants and desires are expressed loud and proud.

06-boudoir-photography-couplesDon’t Ask, Just Do

A lot of us are trained to be polite, both in and out of the bedroom. ‘Please’ and ‘thank you’ are all well and good when you’re ordering a drink, but not when you’re looking to take the reigns. Even before you slip in between the sheets, take the time to think about what you want, and then, just do it. No preamble needed. Don’t hesitate or over analyze, particularly because that can kill the sexy moment. But if you can’t break past the “ask for it” barrier, try wording things differently. Instead of asking, “May I please lick your nipples?” try stating, “Those nipples looks like they need some attention.” Offer your lover a play-by-play. It lets them know what’s about to happen, and the anticipation can be a huge turn-on.

Stretch Your Comfort Zone

When it comes to sex, we’ve been conditioned throughout most of our lives to play out our specific gender roles. For instance, women are sometimes viewed as meek and submissive, willing to give into their lover, while men are often portrayed as powerful and who takes what he desires. Thankfully, that’s not entirely accurate. In order to push beyond stereotypical gender types, it’s important to go beyond your sexual comfort zone. For someone that is usually timid during sex, pretend that you are in control of the situation. If your partner starts to ask what’s going on, playfully touch your finger to their lips and tell them to ‘shhhush.’ This can give you time to execute your next move and will bring mystery to the moment for them. Taking the reigns not only heightens pleasurable tension, it allows you to be the mystery man/woman.

Give Yourself Permission

bed2Whether we want to admit it or not, everyone has two sides—a Batman to our Bruce Wayne. Crossing the boundary toward expressing your dominant ‘other side’ can sometimes feel scary. To make things a lot easier, simply follow the FEAR Formula: Face it, Embrace it, Ace it, and Replace it. Once you find yourself approaching the threshold of your own comfort zone, taking control in bed becomes second nature. The key, however, is to give yourself permission! This allows you the perfect opportunity to explore new territory such as introducing a hot new sex toy, or trying a new oral sex technique, or acting out your biggest play fantasies.

300x300Position of Power

Positioning plays an important role during sex. For those who typically take on the passive role during lovemaking, it can be a challenge to attempt something new, especially a dominant position. However, this is one of the easiest obstacles to overcome. For women who want to be more assertive, you can use the reverse cowgirl position. This scenario allows you to pin down his legs and minimize his movements. Because there is a lack of eye contact, you can feel more confident while making your lover feel helpless. Believe us, he will enjoy being at the mercy of your pleasure. Another powerful female dominant position is to prop him up on his back and sit on his face. Once again, give yourself the permission to be more vocal and tell him exactly what you expect. The great thing about changing positions is it lets you both be creative and free to explore.

Enjoy It!

One of the biggest misconceptions about dominant play or being assertive is that it must be a serious affair. Whoever made up that rule had absolutely no sense of humor. Expressing yourself through sex, no matter if you chose to be passive or assertive, is about the adventure and fun. It’s a journey that you both take together, and if you want to laugh and joke—feel free! Sex is supposed to be fun no matter what role you decide to play.

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