Your plan is working perfectly. You wined and dined your partner, and the scene is set. You’ve scattered the flower petals on the bed, chilled the champagne, and hit play on your sexy playlist. You are ready to shower your lady in love and affection, to put the focus completely on her. You settle her on the bed and start to kiss your way down her body, excited to give her a night she’ll never forget. You gently tug at her panties, kissing her hips, when she stops you. She sighs, sits up a little, and utters a phrase that kills your boner right then and there.
“I don’t really like it when a guy goes down on me.”
Why would a woman write off such a potentially orgasmic experience? Why would they think they do not want the focused, mind-blowing pleasure that comes from oral sex? While there are countless nuances to this decision, most scenarios boil down to unfulfilling past experiences. Guys have assaulted our vaginas with irregular and rigid tongue thrusting, like pushing a button for an elevator over and over, expecting it to come quicker. Our comfort was ignored, making us feel like we were on display rather than escaping into a romantic moment. Or we felt like we should race to the finish line because our partner was uncomfortable or bored. Many women have written off the act entirely and assumed they don’t like getting head instead of trying for a better experience.
This is not to say that it is always the guy’s fault. It can be a twisted path toward the female orgasm. The moves that worked last time will not necessarily work the next, and women are not always the most vocal in directing men to how they want to be pleasured for fear of insulting their partner. On top of that, women tend to have sex with their brains more than any other organ. We have to want it and to feel like you want it to, to really enjoy it. But hey, the greater the challenge, the greater the reward. After all, women’s orgasms last longer and contain more shudder-inducing contractions than men’s.
So if you want to improve your cunnilingus competence, or just show your partner an extra good time, take a step back and evaluate your approach and technique. Whether you are a clam-licking novice or a pussy-eating machine, we can all agree that mastering any art, particularly one as varied as cunnilingus, is only possible when you accept that there is always more to learn.
Make Her Comfortable
Cunnilingus puts a woman in a very vulnerable position, literally opening herself up to inspection. It can be extremely nerve-wracking, and can steal the moment from even the most skilled tongue. Getting her to achieve orgasm depends on more than just getting the mechanics right. A recent brain-imaging study shows that relaxation is the most important factor in a woman’s ability to orgasm, so make sure she knows that you are not going anywhere. Flattery also never hurts. If you love the way she looks, tastes, and smells, let her know. It’ll make her that much more confidant.
Also, make sure not only that your partner is ready and willing for such a revealing experience, but also that she is in a comfortable position before you begin. After all, if you’re doing your job right, you two could be there for a while.
Try propping up her pelvis with a pillow. This will not only give you a better view and incredible access to her intimate areas, it will provide heightened sensation for her. The Liberator Wedge is made specifically for such a task and helps prevent sore necks in the process.
Keep in mind that her lying on her back is not the only position available. Different positions provide angles that can heighten the experience. Try licking her doggy-style with her on her hands and knees as you lie on the bed. This allows her flesh to remain soft so nothing gets pulled in the wrong direction. Or for a sexy alternative, try it with your partner standing against a wall and you on your knees while she’s wearing a knock-out set of heels.
You know how an engine functions best when you give it a chance to warm up a little? The same goes for our lady bits. Diving right in after we’ve arranged ourselves properly is an easy mistake to make. Instead, put in some face time, and enjoy kissing your way down your partner body before heading due south. Once there, breathe slowly as you lick, kiss, and nibble your way inwards, starting at the thighs. We recommend using a tantalizing and teasing pace and by the time you reach your destination, your partner will be panting with pleasure.
Once you’ve reached your prize, don’t rush your partner. During solo masturbation, women and men reach orgasm in very similar amounts of time, but it takes women a longer time to come during foreplay and intercourse with a partner – anywhere from 10-40 minutes! Gentlemen, on the other hand, can reach it in around 7-14 minutes, and usually only last 2-3 minutes once intercourse has begun. Keep this extended time frame in mind while you’re licking away; if it is taking longer than you expected, it is not a reflection on you. Keep your impatience in check, and know that the longer the build up, the better the end result. Plus, once her first orgasm is underway, your lady could achieve an unlimited amount of orgasms within 5-10 minutes afterwards—so get ready for the fireworks.
Explore the Terrain
Repeat after me: there is more down there than the vagina. It’s easy to zone in on the moneymaker and settle in, but a truly great oral experience comes from involving the whole region. The lips of the vagina or labia are extremely sensitive and deserve attention too, and, if you and your partner enjoy it, anal stimulation can feel incredible. Don’t forget about her breasts as well. Many women get a ton of stimulation from nipple play that can really rev her engine down below.
Of course, for most women the clitoris is where your performance is going to crescendo. We recommend trying to hold off from coming in contact with the clitoris for as long as you can to help it to build the tension even more. When you do get there, lick softly, and focus on the clitoral hood, located just above the clitoris. You’d be surprised, but most women prefer indirect clitoral contact until they are fully aroused because of how incredibly sensitive it is.
Move Her with Your Movements
Your tongue is your main tool in oral sex, and proper usage is crucial. It might seem like a good plan to make your tongue rigid and thrust in and out to mimic sex. After all, if she likes it when your penis does it, it will work now, right? Nope. A soft, flat tongue lapping at the area is far more preferable and pleasurable. You can mix in tiny teasing flicks, but overall the best pace is one that’s smooth, steady, and slow.
Also, don’t think that you only need to lick in a single direction the whole time. Try different motions, such as up and down or side to side. The old adage of “licking the alphabet” is surprisingly an excellent strategy for finding the perfect spot—just don’t leave the spot once you’ve found it! Make the letters wide from time to time to cover the whole genital area, and make them small at other times, centering on the clitoris itself.
Of course, remember that your mouth can do much more than just lick. Lightly kissing, blowing, humming, and nibbling can all feel incredible and can add variety to a routine. You can also try gently sucking the clitoris into your mouth and flicking it with your tongue—a truly show-stopping move!
Of course, the ideas don’t stop there. You’ve got more than your mouth to work with—particularly your hands. Grab her butt, caress her thighs, or gently insert a finger into her vagina while you continue to masterfully lick her senseless. Or, if you’re feeling daring, bust out her favorite vibe and watch her squirm with delight.
Communicate with Her
You can have the most incredible tongue game there is, but if you aren’t paying attention to your partner, you’ll come off as a rookie. Your whole goal is to please your partner, so watch her reactions. Search for the spot that drives her wild and, once you’ve found it, make that area your new home. Also, once you’ve moved into your new place, don’t immediately speed up or change directions—if it feels good, it’s going to keep feeling good. Her fast breathing and pleasured moans will let you know when it’s time to slowly work the area more until she’s in a frenzy. If you prefer a more direct route to finding out what pleases her, ask. Let her know that you are open to feedback and that your feelings will not be hurt if you aren’t hitting the spot the first time.
This experience is all about your partner, so make sure she knows it. Show enthusiasm in her pleasure. Make eye contact with her so she can see how much you love seeing her on the brink, and make sure that even if your neck is killing you or your jaw is tired, she doesn’t feel that you are uncomfortable. That’ll kill the magic immediately. Plus, believe me when I say that she’s done the same for you in the past.
Most importantly, keep in mind that sometimes the pleasure of the experience is just as good as an orgasm. Don’t let your ego get in the way of a good time—if she doesn’t come, trust me when I say that she still had an amazing and pleasurable time, and she will never utter those terrible words again.3