We are celebrating Anal April with Q&A from renowned sexpert and b-Vibe founder, Alicia Sinclair. Take a look at everything you need to know about having pleasurable anal sex.
My wife and I recently read the 2 posted Q&A articles on the Liberator newsletter emails. It is exciting having our questions answered by such a wonderful professional!
My wife and I have been together for 18+ years now. Our anal play adventures began purely by accident—one night leading to an amazing evening with zero complications. Even though we don’t consider ourselves professional anal connoisseurs, we are educated with practicing anal play and know the A to Z basics, so to speak.
Anal play is one of those things on the sexual menu but is not a prerequisite go to. If the mood strikes either one of us, we just let things naturally flow. Personally, I’ve always felt comfortable talking about anything sexual. I believe in communicating my likes and dislikes. On the flip side, however; my wife being raised conservative was taught that anal sex is unnatural. Though her values are conservative, she remains open to giving and receiving great sexual pleasure!
This leads me to our questions. I recently purchased the b-Vibe Rimming Vibe and the Triplet Beads. Very nice products btw! The Rimming Vibe was an initial a gift for my wife with the Triplet Beads for me. My wife said the Rimming Vibe is intimidating and that she needed to feel comfortable working up to its size. I found that surprising since my penis is larger than the plug itself. But obviously, I did not want to push her boundaries. We talked about why the Rimming Vibe was scaring her. She said it’s because a man’s penis is contoured with less of a firm shape. She shared with me how a penis bends and adapts to the inner curves of her anatomy. I was satisfied with her answer but felt there was something missing.
My wife and I were used to having anal more often with and without toys. Then anal sex became off limits after our child was born. I was like—what changed? She told me that having anything other than my penis in her bum just did not feel right. That is was something a mom should not be doing. This coming from the gal who was totally open to rimming or deep analingus. I was feeling confused but aware there was something more to it.
She eventually opened up after reading the two Help Me b-vibe articles. The realization that other people felt the same way about anal sex really helped put things on the table. She shared that she really loved having anal sex with me. Then she would feel needles or stinging pain a day afterward during a bowel movement. I was upset hearing she was in pain and felt bad. This is when I realized we weren’t communicating as well as I thought. Why haven’t we ever discussed this before?
I have purchased some of the best anal toys in the hopes of easing us back having anal sex again. However, she said, “I would rather you be inside me.” She prefers that I use the new toys on myself. I’ve noticed during the past few anal lovemaking sessions the length of time it takes for her inner muscles to relax. A good 30+ minutes of anal foreplay gets to fully relax onto my shaft. Now, if I get her to climax “before” anal it is like her bum starts to loosen up and almost winks a whole lot easier as she becomes more sexually charged up while the area gets engorged with pleasure.
With all this information—what is your professional opinion on how she can overcome the whole anal toy hang up? How can we get back to where we used to be? We are both eager for having the back door magic alive! She says—please help us, Alicia!
b-Vibe and Anal Sex Questions
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I’m glad to hear that you are focused on making this a pleasure-based experience for BOTH of you.
There’s lots of info here and certainly many things I can share in helping you along your journey. What I am mainly focusing on are two things:
- Social stigma making an appearance in anal play post-birth.
- Physical pain.
First, let’s talk about the how a woman’s sexuality can change following the birth of a child. The shift in feeling is more common that than we think. I’ve had several close friends express these same feelings. In general, many of us have a preconceived notion about how we should feel and act as parents. This is especially true for women! The key here is reaffirming your wife’s right to sexual expression and just being with her during the process. What I mean by this is do not pressure her. Discuss how you feel openly, but never force anything she isn’t feeling ready for. The best way to communicating is when you are both not inside the bedroom and NOT aiming for anal sex. Here is some recommended reading material you can both process together.
Never Go Zero to Penis
Regarding pain, “opening up”, and pleasure. I want to take a moment and discuss how the anal sphincter expands and shrinks. If you and your wife are regularly including anal play during your sexual experiences, the anal sphincter will be more relaxed and easier to penetrate. However, if you are not including it regularly, you basically need to start at the beginning again. This area both expands and shrinks quickly- which means if it’s been a few days to even a week (depending on her body), you should never go from zero to penis—or Rimming Plug for that matter. Always start small and work your way up. Otherwise, it may cause scarring, bleeding, or loss of enjoyment as your wife mentioned.
Additionally, it makes total sense that penetration is easier after she orgasms. The anus is made of two rings of muscle, and it’s about 1-1.5” (2.5-4cm) long. The external muscle is the first one that you would come to if you were touching somebody, inserting a toy, or a finger. This is skeletal muscle, which is the kind of muscle you can deliberately control. For instance, when you contract your arm muscles, you move the arm bones, which is why it’s called skeletal muscle. Most people can squeeze and relax the external muscle.
The internal anal muscle is “smooth muscle.” This is the kind of muscle in your blood vessels, your organs, and in the iris of your eyes. It’s controlled by the part of your nervous system that manages all the things you don’t really think about much, like your heart rate or how fast you’re breathing. That’s important because it means that while you have some influence over it, you don’t have control.
For example, if someone tells you to take a deep breath, you can probably do that. But most of the time, you don’t pay much attention to it. And if you’re worried, it’s a lot harder to take that deep breath because your nervous system is responding to the stress.
The internal anal muscle does much the same thing. If you’re worried, angry or stressed out, the pelvic floor and the internal anal muscle tighten up. It’s the same reflex that makes a scared cat or dog tuck their tail between their legs. And it’s the reason that someone who’s angry all the time is sometimes called a “tight ass.” It’s literally true. After orgasm, your wife will automatically be more relaxed, hence the ease of backdoor play.
For further relaxation, try performing an Anal Massage before and see where the journey takes you.