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I am a plus size woman who hasn’t had sex in 30 years. Right now, I am in a long distance relationship. My fiancé is overseas, and I am here in the States. He will be home very soon and we will be getting married. My concern is the initial penetration. Over the years I’ve done PC exercises which my gynecologist cannot give me a pelvic exam because I am too tight. How can I be “ready” for my fiancé on my wedding night? What lube do you recommend? Would it be better with missionary, where he is in control or me on top so that I can control the depth of penetration?
After 30 years you must feel like your vagina is haunted. Ghosts roam its corridor and slam the doors shut whenever a potential suitor comes within 5 feet. Luckily, she is far from it. Your vagina is a miraculous portal that can birth a 9 lb. baby if need be. She can be super sensitive to the lightest touch, or she can take a pounding and beg for more. With a little prep work, she will have your new husband fully enveloped with all of her magnificence. It’s time to dust off those cobwebs and get your girl ready for action.
There are some medical reasons for women to have pain during sex. This could be from an abnormality in their body, like a piece of left-over hymen which may cause some tightness. These cases are very rare. However, your doctor should do an exam first to see if there’s anything physical that is causing the pain. Even if the doctor appointment is difficult, it is vital to get checked out to put your mind at ease.
Because those instances are rare, it would seem more likely you are tightening your PC muscles unconsciously or involuntarily. This could mean you have a condition known as Vaginismus. According to experts, “As the man attempt intercourses, the woman’s PC muscle group involuntarily tightens the vaginal entrance making intercourse painfully impossible “like bumping into a wall.”
Your mind and body are connected. So, if you anticipate pain, the body will clinch up. Even if you do not have a medical condition, it sounds like you have a conditioned response that is an involuntary reaction to penetration—you have no control over it. The good news is you can do something about it. Besides consulting your doctor or getting a pelvic floor massage, you can begin warming yourself up before the honeymoon. This should help get to get your body and mind synced.
Take as long as you need with this process. Small steps will help you feel more relaxed each time you try. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to reach a certain goal. I know this sounds impossible with your big day coming up, but having a time constraint can add to the anxiety and make the entire exercise moot.
Start by addressing your feelings about sex and masturbation. Relax, light some candles, or take a hot bath. Even some light meditation can get you centered in your body. I like to think of it as fully inhabiting your form. Start with your fingertips and feel the energy flowing through your body. Then take that awareness through your limbs and into your core. Think of this as a gentle wake up call for your sexuality.
There’s an old adage that ‘If you don’t use it, you lose it.’ I think there is some truth in that statement because I have noticed the more I have sex, the hornier I am. Your body and mind are pulled in a million directions. Unless sex is presented as an area of focus, it can slip from your mind completely. Feeling comfortable in your skin and at peace with your body helps with the transition to becoming a sexual creature. This does not mean you have to change physically; you just have to remind yourself that your body is amazing. How lucky are we to have a form that can experience such joy and pleasure?
Once you begin feeling one with your body, start small by inserting your finger or a very small toy. Remember, lube is your friend! I like überlube because a little goes a long way and it lasts a long time. Aloe Cadabra is also excellent. It has a natural feel and the lavender version smells like heaven. For toys, I recommend the Tantus Starter. It’s super slim and smooth and should be a good starting place. If you want to experiment with something vibrating, the Sensuelle Bullet Vibrator is tiny yet it’s just as powerful as the more expensive options. Take it a little bit at a time with the idea of just inserting it first. As you go on, then try and enjoy yourself.
Although it is not vaginal, it may also be a good idea to start with something clitoral. I have heard from many women that first using a clitoral toy at really gets things started. After the first orgasm, they feel more engaged for sex. This can work for you too while masturbating and when you are with your husband. After the first orgasm, you will find your body may be more prepared for penetration.
With or without a toy, you need time to get comfortable with your husband. On average, women need about 45 minutes of foreplay before they can orgasm. Your wedding night should be one to remember. Spend time building up to the big moment to make sex all the more special. Plus, it will give you time to unwind into the sensations of your partner, which is something that cannot be rushed.
Once you’re ready for the grand moment, you may feel more comfortable in a position where you have the most control. That way you can take it at your own pace. Plus, it will make things feel relaxed without the anxious worry he will push too far. This is going to mean cowgirl, which can be intimidating.
Liberator Shapes are especially great for ‘girl-on-top’ positioning because it takes some of the pressure off the knees. It is especially great for plus-sized lovers, who may have added pressure on their joints. Using a Shape creates a stable platform and lifts everything upward. Typically what happens is when the body is lifted it results in better comfort. Your body will feel stable enough to open itself up thus lessening the PC muscle group triggers. These Shapes also provide angles which are great for missionary too. When your hips and pelvis are elevated it changes the path of entry and can make penetration feel smooth and effortless.
As with anything new, it takes time getting used to the process. Rome was not built in a day. Try not to burden yourself with the expectation of crossing the finish line by the wedding day. There are so many other ways to be sexually expressive without intercourse. You guys have your whole lives to explore the splendor of sexual pleasure. In fact, there is something really sexy about the idea of starting with mutual masturbation and watching what the other one likes. Or, let him go down on you for an hour. Oral sex will leave you feeling like a puddle on the floor, and then, you can return the favor.
Your wedding night is just the beginning. It’s your body and you don’t have to push the limits. It will only set you back. I’m sure your new hubby doesn’t want you flinching in pain on the first night as man and wife. Remember, you have a lifetime of love ahead of you. There nothing wrong with letting it build over time.13