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Everyone’s love life deserves a second opinion. Ava is here to answer questions about Liberator products, your sex life, or sex in general. Curious about the best sex positions for a bad back? Wondering how to fit your playtime into a busy schedule? Trying to find the perfect toy to surprise your spouse with? Ava is here to help.

Email your question to askava@liberator.com.  And don’t worry—your secret is safe with her. We will not reveal your name or contact information at any point.

So ask away! No question is too small or too far out!

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askava2-980x668My wife and I are both 27 years old, and have now been together for over 12 years. We have a home and family together (daughter age 3, son age 6 months) we are in very comfortable and loving relationship. However, for some time now, we haven’t been nearly as physical as I wish we could be. I’m not saying I expect us to be like we were when we were teenagers, as much as I wish we could be. But we are facing a few issues.

My wife very rarely has any interest in sex, it’s not that she doesn’t enjoy it, honestly at least for the most part much to the contrary, most times she has multiple orgasms, but sometimes I can’t get her interested for months at a time! I know people go through phases in their life, but it’s getting pretty incredibly frustrating. I have a strong sex drive, and honestly would have sex multiple times a day if it were up to me. I guess my question here would be is this normal? Should a 27-year old woman have had this much of a sexual slump?

I know there is a certain amount of the problem that is centered around the kids, it’s not easy to make time for ourselves with them in the house, and you can’t be shipping them off all the time. Part of that issue is that my wife can be rather loud, so even being intimate when the kids are sleeping can be difficult.

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200126072-002Don’t you just love it when you read romantic advice columns and they gloss over how easy it can be if only you would talk to your partner. HA! In my experience, talking about such a loaded topic, while in the midst of a sexual slump sounds great in theory, but when put into practice, can have huge consequences (like you sleeping on the couch for an indefinite period of time). Most people in relationships have their own insecurities, hang-ups and triggers and nothing says “you’re inadequate” more than the “we need to have more sex” talk.

So here are a few tips to the first phase of getting back in the groove again that hopefully won’t end you in the hot seat.

Secret Sauce

When managed properly, the way you communicate will help rebuilding the sexual bond with your wife. This is something unique that only the two of you will share—not the kids, or your nanny, or family members. To be honest, it’s the secret ingredient of being in a loving relationship. While you may feel embarrassed at first, it’s important to remember that if you know someone well enough to have hot and steamy sex with them, then you also know them well enough to when and how to talk things out.

Sharing your body with a lover entails sharing your mind, so you start first. Find her in a moment of emotional intimacy. It could be talking about a fun time you had a few months ago, or when she is sharing her day with you. Those points stir up your secret sauce be reminding you of the unit you form. Now it’s time to add a dash of sexy.

A Positive Spin

couple-talking-in-bedAll too often, the sex discussion only comes up when either one, or both of you, are at a certain level of frustration. Unfortunately, this is when it becomes more about sharing the negative aspects like “I don’t like the way you’re touching my boobs,” or “Get off of me, I’m not even close to being in the mood,” or even the dreaded “Why don’t you don’t love me anymore?”

Even before you approach her about having sex, let her know what you miss about being intimate. Maybe touch her hair and let her know how pretty it is in the sun, or remark on how you love the way she smells. By making your sexual communication—physical and verbal—a natural part of your relationship, you can balance the negative experiences with positive outcomes. Start from love, and hopefully you’ll end in love. 

Seduce to Produce

I can tell you that being a woman is not that complicated when it comes to sex. From my point-of-view, we like to be wooed and seduced. I’m not talking about chocolate and jewelry. Instead of initiating sex while you’re horny, why not stop and really tell her how much she arouses you. By genuinely praising your wife’s prowess on a regular basis, you’ll help her feel less defensive when trying to get in her pants. She won’t feel like a sex object (only there for your satisfaction) and becomes part of the arousal process. Nothing turns a woman on more than a man just being there in the moment—with her.

Play Together to Stay Together

Communication about sex does not have to involve talking. You can write your wife an erotic story, outlining exactly what you would like to do to her, and really include some juicy character details. Break up her day between diaper changes and feedings and send her sexy texts. To make it more interactive, ask her saucy questions that garner a response. For instance, ask her to put on her favorite lip gloss and send you a loving kiss pic. Another option is play together even when you’re apart. The We-Vibe 4 Plus  is a couple’s vibrator that can be used anytime and anywhere. She simply uses the vibe while you work the button on your smartphone app. What better way to stay connected to her erogenous zones.

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Fasten your Seat Belts

You know where you want this conversation to go, but you don’t know where it will end up. It’s important for your wife to not feel pressured into it, so if she hears you but says “not tonight, honey,” then you should let her know you are ok with that. She loves you, and will probably want to please you, but if her head is not in the game, she could end up attaching negative feelings about sex with you. Set the spark, and let the fire grow. She needs to shift from her normal mode, and both of you need to get back in touch with your sexual selves, and that can take some time.

Sex ruts are normal part of life for every couple. By talking it out in a loving and playful fashion, you’ll be able to discover new things about your partner. Remember though, sexual communication goes both ways. You need to listen to your partner as much as you teach. Share your own preferences as openly as you expect your partner to share his or hers. Be honest about your needs and desires and you’re much more likely to get the sex and that relationship that you truly desire.

PS… babysitters, babysitters, babysitters.

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