As the saying goes, rules are meant to to be broken. But if you’re having sex with an unmarried person in Georgia, or doing it doggy style in Virginia, you could find yourself involved in some legal hot water. The United States is full of unusual and out-of-date laws, but it’s the one’s that relate to unlawful sex practices that are really strange. The bizarre and specific nature of these laws have us wondering just how and how often they are actually enforced. And if there are any Wyoming residents planning on have standing sex in a walk-in meat freezer tonight, best to make other plans.
Here’s a list of the weirdest sex laws from nearly every state of the nation.
Moose are not allowed to have carnal knowledge on city streets. So just to be clear—moose can’t, but a human couple can enjoy horizontal refreshments on Main Street? And who’s job is it to break up the moose going at it? They need a raise!
One city in this state banned people from making a magical sandwich in a vehicle with “flat tires.” If the vehicle is parked, and you’re caught laying pipe in the front seat, it’s a $25 fine. But if you’re caught churning butter in the back seat, the fine is doubled.
Condoms can be sold only by physicians and other medical practitioners. Hmm…we’ve been to a couple of gas stations in this state that have the condoms dispensers in the bathroom. Perhaps the prescribing physician was on a smoke break.
Anyone having a pants off dance off with Satan must use a condom. Hey, it’s better to be safe than to have that whole Rosemary’s Baby thing happen to you.
An old law in this state bans a couple from releasing the Kraken while bathing in any lake, river or stream. Well, there goes our plans for vacation this year.
There are those that truly thrive on adventurous sex, but if you’re caught getting your bone honed—or bean waxed, as the case may be—with a porcupine, you could serve up to five years in the state pen. This one might be for your own good.
Oral sex between consenting adults is as old as the hills, but in Georgia, if you’re caught whistling in the weeds, even with your consenting spouse and in the privacy of your own home, it could cost you five long years in prison.
Don’t think that swallowing the sword or playing in the sandbox is the only thing you can get in trouble for—apparently it’s even against the law to own and operate sex toys such as vibrators, dildos, masturbation sleeves and so-on. Since Liberator is based out of Atlanta, we just want to tell the local PD that we don’t know who’s sex toys those are, or who wrote an entire blog about how awesome they are.
Evidently this state will pause for a moment before coitus interuptus, so that you can enjoy the grand finale. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. Very considerate!
With the right gear and some camouflage, you might just get away with breaking this law. In this state, spearing the bearded clam while hunting or fishing on your wedding day is illegal.
According to this law, skating rinks are a potential den of debauchery. That’s why male skating instructors in Indiana are prohibited from parting the pink sea with their female students. This statute applies only to male teachers, so female skating instructors from Indiana, feel free to get your biscuits buttered with whomever you want.
Husbands aren’t allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with their wives or while holding them in his arms. There’s a really interesting story behind this we’re dying to know!
Anyone caught engaging in anal sex draws a maximum sentence of six months in jail. Who thinks this stuff up? Imagine being prosecuted for such a pleasurable crime. Just be careful, Kansans, when you ride the chocolate speedway.
The Louisiana House of Representatives hurriedly approved a unique anti-streaking law. Under it, streakers can be sentenced to five years in the state penitentiary and given a $2,000 fine for streaking “while intending to arouse the desires of minors.” Streaking with only the “intent of arousing sexual desire” brings a violator a $100 fine and one year in prison.
The state known for being the cornerstone of our constitutional history and wild nights at the rodeo makes it illegal to ride the boney express with a rodeo clown in the presence of horses. It’s about time someone thought of the horses!
Couples are not allowed to batter dip the corn dog in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple’s own property—preferably on cinder blocks.
No man is allowed to put ranch dressing in his wife’s Hidden Valley with the smell of garlic, onions, and/or sardines on his breath. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Like we always say: no brush, no bush.
If you’re into any sort of kink, you may want to stay away from this entire state. BDSM is against the law, period! Specifically, the depiction or description of flagellation, torture by or upon a person who is nude or in undergarments, or in a “bizarre or revealing costume” for the purpose of sexual gratification.
Women in Missouri are prohibited from wearing corsets. Free the corset we say! And then free your boobs there is nothing better than a corset-gasm after you take one off.
The owner of every hotel is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they entange the lower beards unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
It is illegal for any member of the legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session. We think the reason for this law is that most politicians are already pricks and don’t really need to dress up as one.
This New Jersey law threatens couples with a three-year sentence for mutual masturbation. The law covers anyone who, in private, is a party to an act of lewdness or sexual indecency with another. So basically, you cannot perform the double dutch rudder or enjoy a double header.
The state, known for numerous strip clubs, will not allow any woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man’s picture. Hum, guess a real live man doesn’t count?
In this state, there is absolutely, positively no masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car. Give them some privacy, huh. It’s not like they are in Arizona.
For all you truck lovers out there, take heed of this law while driving through the Keystone state. It is illegal to open the gates of Mordor to a truck driver inside a toll booth.
Oral sex in Rhode Island is considered “abominable, detestable crime against nature,” and such activity brings a 7-to-10-year stretch in the penitentiary. Sounds like someone needs to have his knob slobbed!
Every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it’s illegal to launch the meat missile while on the floor between the beds! However, the law doesn’t say nothing when it comes to doing it on any Liberator Shapes.
Two pigs may not pork on airport property. Okay, that euphemism was too easy. OH! How about this one: makin’ bacon. Yeah, that works.
Couples are not allowed jerk it where she twerks it while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman’s name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment. This is coming from a state that has a law that allows sex with an animal—unless performed for profit.
The state is known as being for lovers makes it really not fun for lovers. It is illegal to sour the kraut in any position except missionary. The fact that you’re only allowed one position is a crime in itself.
In this state it is against the law to oscillate the unmentionables with a virgin under any circumstances—including the wedding night. Makes you wonder how have any more Washingtonians at all.
No man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a orgasm. It’s just politeness to wait until after the big bang.
It is against the law to entice, allure, instigate, or help a person under 21 to masturbate. This activity is known in legal circles as an act of self pollution. If our calculations are correct, a teenage boy needs very little to entice, allure, or instigate the five-knuckle shuffle0