Pilgrim Porn

During this time of year many articles and news items are dedicated to giving thanks in the tradition that the early American settlers began with the first harvest of the new world. While looking up information about the traditions of the Pilgrim settlers it dawned on me that for such an anti-sex society, the people in these communities really insisted on documenting everyone’s sexual activity! I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I believe we can give thanks to our Pilgrim forefathers as the inventors of some of the new world’s first pornographic documents.

Think back to being in school and some of the required literature readings. Arthur Miller’s The Crucible and Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter are ninth and tenth grade classics. What are the common threads in both of these books? Both contain sex, Satan, seduction, and suppression (cause everyone knows that Satan causes sexy girls to get naked and dance in the woods performing witchcraft to seduce men). The puritans were consumed by sex and seduction and liked to keep a going record of who was doing what to whom, where they did it, how they did it and how many times! This was all, of course, read aloud during the sentencing of the unrepentant, just in case any of their neighbors didn’t know exactly who was diddling whom.

Lets look at an example of one written account.

On 17 January 1671 Mary Churchill confessed that she was gotten with child by Thomas Doty, son of Mayflower passenger Edward, with whom she had “carnall coppulation” (banged) three times. The first occasion was about 15 July last, the second was on 8 August last, and the third was about a “senight” after. Sergeant Ephraim Tinkham testified that around the stated second time, he had gone to Joseph Churchill’s house to speak to him, but no one answered his knock. He went in (wouldn’t that be breaking and entering?) and after he heard some noise from another room (while he had his ear to the door), Mary Churchill came forth. He apparently had reason to suspect that Thomas Doty was there (because Thomas told him he might be able to join for a 3-way), for he asked Mary if Thomas was in the house, and after some pause she said he was (then told Old Ephraim he couldn’t join). Tinkham and Doty went away together, Tinkham warning him to take heed lest evil come of such carriages (jealous). Mary Churchill later was fined £6 (her fault of course, she seduced him). At the time of her court hearing, Thomas had fled the colony, (classic dine and dash on old Tommy’s part) but records show that they later married sometime after their first child was born (musket wedding).

I feel certain that the leaders conducting the “investigations” were using these written accounts to diddle themselves alone later after the last flicker of the candle flames were exhausted. If you listened closely you could have heard the constable whispering something to the affect of, “Oh, he hath carnally copulated the fair bosom of Mary whilst alone behind the closed door. She hath brought forth a moan that only the depths of Satan could evoke!” Pretty sure some of the stains on the documents aren’t from age alone! Not only were they into documenting the detailed accounts, even their public punishments were of a voyeuristic nature.

On 4 June 1645 John Ellis of Sandwich was sentenced to be whipped at the public post for uncleaness with his wife before marriage, and his wife Elizabeth was sentenced to stand and watch his punishment.

Puritans knew how to party! This certainly sounds like the beginnings of a voyeuristic BDSM penchant for the pilgrims. Perhaps Elizabeth liked that sort of thing. John agreed to be unclean with her on occasion so she could watch him get a good spanking out in public where everyone could see. I’m guessing the safe word might have been Pumpkin or Pocahontas.

Then of course there is always the crowd pleaser, SODOMY!

In a case from 1653, six young males in New Haven were sentenced to a public flogging for “much wickedness in a filthy corrupting way” with each other. Their acts were “of such a filthy nature as is not fit to be made known in a public way.” They just wanted the public to know that these 6 young, strong, handsome, hot pilgrims were getting down in ways of the unclean. If you are looking for a good time here are their names, the locations of their one-room mud house (look for the brown thatched roof) and don’t forget to tie up your horse out front, lest it wander off.

So, I think after all the evidence presented here today, it’s safe to say that we have the Pilgrims to thank for some strong foundations of sexual variety and pornography. Now make like a Pilgrim and buckle your boots, put on your bonnets and have a sexy and safe Thanksgiving everyone!

To read more of Angel’s work you can find her at www.angelmaynard.com.