Finding the Clitoris: Inside and Out

Dear Jaiya,

I’ve read your book “Red Hot Touch” but had a weird question. My wife and I just got married, and were both virgins, so completely clueless, basically. We can’t seem to find the clitoris, even after looking at the pictures in your book, and can only occasionally find it manually. I try stuff like “uncloaking the clit”, but it doesn’t seem to work. Any tips?

-E

Dear E,

Congratulations on your marriage, your willingness to explore your sexuality, and your honesty about being “clueless”. You are not alone; most of us do not have any “real” sex education. Even I am still learning and will always be learning when it comes to sex.

When it comes to the clitoris, we are really in the dark. For example, many people have no idea that the clitoris has two legs that extend into the body. There are parts that you can find externally and parts that you can find internally. Many of women’s most pleasurable parts have been left out of anatomy books. Even my book doesn’t have the whole picture, and the illustrators kept illustrating things in the wrong place. It was quite a feat just to get what we got into the book. I am glad that more attention is starting to be placed on the subject of anatomy, especially when it comes to the clitoris.

Let’s start with the external parts of this pleasurable wishbone-shaped structure. There are 3 external parts to look for:  the clitoral hood or “foreskin”, the clitoral head or “glans”, and the clitoral shaft. Every single woman is different. We all vary in size and shape and our clitoris changes as we get aroused. In order to find these external structures you have to take a look at her vulva first. Locate her outer labia and inner labia. The clitoris is usually situated at the top of the inner labia. If her vulva is a clock, the clit would be located near 12:00, just below the bottom of her pubic bone. It will help you find it if she is aroused, the more aroused she is the larger her clitoris will swell as it engorges with blood.

If like most people, you are thinking that the clitoris is just a little nerve packed button, you are missing the whole picture. You aren’t just looking for the head of the clitoris, but also a shaft, which for most women feels really good when stimulated. Once you find the shaft, try squeezing it between your thumb and forefinger and rolling it. If she is aroused, you will be able to feel a hard tube-like structure. Think of your own penis. You (may) have a foreskin, a head, and a shaft. The clitoris is very similar.

But there is even more to the clitoris:  roots! Or legs really, that extend deep into her body. To locate her clitoral legs, find the opening in her bony pelvis called the “pelvic outlet”. Press deep, just to the outside of her outer labia, and you will feel her bones. The clitoral legs run along these bones. Very close to these legs are the clitoral bulbs also called the vestibular bulbs. These bulbs and the clitoral legs love deep wide pressure. Try slow dancing with your wife and pressing the top of your knee in-between her legs, you are stimulating these deep parts of the clitoris.

From your question, it sounds like you need some visual and “felt” education. I highly recommend Sheri Winston’s book “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal” and perhaps checking out my DVD “Genital Massage for Women“. I would also recommend setting up time with your wife to simply explore all the structures of her clitoris. Hers may just be really small, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t there (unless she has had her external clitoris removed). I would also highly advise that she do some self-exploration. She can get out a mirror and find all of the parts of her vulva, including her clitoris. If she can locate and stimulate her own clitoris, then she can then help you. Keep exploring, get her really aroused, or she can get herself aroused, and don’t be afraid to look and feel every little nook and cranny of her vulva. Good luck!