Screw First, Talk Later

You know the routine. You find yourself attracted to someone, so you ask them out. You eagerly anticipate the date, but when it finally arrives you agonize over the right look. Causal but chic, hip, but not a slave to fashion. Don’t want to look so relaxed that it looks like you don’t really give a crap. Is it cool if your nipples show through the shirt? Freakin’ hair is frizzing. The shoes felt OK in the store but you can tell your bunions are gonna kill you in the morning. Fuck it. If she’s so superficial that it matters…oh, sh!t! One sideburn is longer than the other!!!

Get over it and just go have some fun.

Ding dong! “Hey! You look great. How ‘bout Nicola’s for dinner?” Blah, blah, blah…

Now here, you’ve got to be funny or you know you won’t get any later. Jeez! Do we have to do stand–up comedy act to get sex?

Have we not progressed since middle school? Apparently not.

Carry your books? Sure!

Share my lunch? Okay.

Kiss after the movie? Not during?

My gay friend, BP, tells me that his crowd really gets it right. You see someone you’re interested in and say, “How about a blow job?” After 5 minutes, you know if you want to spend the evening together. After all, if the sex is lousy, why go through a night of the agony first? That’s just adding insult to injury, right?

In a perfect world you’d go up to someone you’re interested in and say, “How about some dick?” and not worry about getting slapped first and then publicly castrated on Facebook. Who doesn’t agree that impromptu sex would really improve dating? Get the sex out of the way so you can pay attention to someone you actually want to know better. Instead of having sex as the object of dating, why not have dating be the object of sex?

Remember the scene from “There’s Something About Mary” when Woogie is appalled when Ben doesn’t “spank the monkey” before going out with Mary? Sure, sex is better with someone you care about, but that doesn’t mean sex with someone you’re not into (you know what I mean) isn’t exactly punishment. No harm, no foul. And if it’s not so great, at least it doesn’t take a whole night and a painful dinner to find out. We’re all adults, right? (If you’re not, step away from the keyboard.)

Let’s take a lesson from the gay scene (or for that matter long-time couples) and have a quickie before dinner. I promise you’ll enjoy dessert more.

The opinions expressed in “Max Rantz: Out Loud” do not represent the opinions of Liberator editors or staffers. Max is his own entity, and a force of nature.