Cherry-Popping

Do you consider yourself a rational person? Probably. People like to think they do things for good reasons, but stop and think for a minute. WTF is rational about buying a Hummer? I dunno. Maybe we should ask Schwarzenegger, who collects them, like one is better than the next? Or take language. You want to be phat. If something is really great, it’s dank. How can anyone advertise “fresh beer” that’s also “Beachwood aged?”

But without a doubt, the most irrationally phat idea anyone would ever want to dank has got to be deflowering a virgin. Why this is such an enduring fantasy mystifies me. What do think you are, Captain Kirk on The Enterprise? “To boldly go where no man has gone before”? Puhleeze! If you really want to “go” where no one (and hopefully no thing) has gone, try a fresh bowl of banana pudding.

Or maybe it’s that some guys just want to “plant their flag” like a latter day Christopher Columbus. “I claim this woman in the name of the Spanish Crown!” Don’t think you can do that any more. This absurd dream is even enshrined in Jihadist culture, as in “I explode this vest sure in the knowledge that will go to my reward of seventy virgins.” Hey, Saddam, did you ever stop to think that they might be male virgins? So don’t forget to bring lots of Vaseline. And even if they’re ladies (as Mel Brooks would say) what’s the draw?

Other cultures demand that the husbands produce a bloodied sheet after the wedding night to prove the virtue of his new bride. Since not all women actually bleed when they abandon the dismal ranks of the virginal, girls would be well-advised to bring a raw steak with them to the newlywed suite in case they need to lay on a quick smear.

If you ask me, cherry-popping is like watching Laurence Olivier‘s great grandson do “Hamlet”: filled with potential but not so dank.

First off, the object of your lust is likely to be more than a little nervous. Secondly, she probably won’t enjoy it all that much, certainly not to the point of orgasm. It might even hurt and bleed, although that’s by no means universal. And God forbid, she might become hopelessly infatuated with you! But most of all, it’s going to be clumsy. Only an idiot does something equally well the tenth time as the first. Think about it.

Sex may come naturally, and naturally we all want to come, but doing it well takes some practice, and solo flights on the simulator don’t count as real life combat missions.

The opinions expressed in “Max Rantz: Out Loud” do not represent the opinions of Liberator editors or staffers. Max is his own entity, and a force of nature.