When the internet came along, the sex toy market exploded much like a bukkake video. A modern day equivalent to a ‘wishing well,’ the World Wide Web has become a virtual kink factory, churning out some of the most bizarre sex toys imaginable. Don’t believe us? Just type in Vladimir Putin Butt Plug, and voila, there he is, ready to go where no dictator has ever gone before (that we know of at least).
It’s mind boggling knowing that we live in an age where practically anything you can think of has already been thought of by someone else. Better yet, those thoughts are manifesting into the form of bizarre sex toys. Being familiar with the internet, we know a thing or two about what turns people on. From genital cuffs to radioactive alien blow up dolls to fulfilling your Twi-Hard fantasies, there is literally something for everyone.
Come, feast your eyes on the some of the most bizarre sex toys ever imagined. But brace yourselves—you may never be the same again.
For Meat Eaters
Have you ever been grilling and thought, “Those buns sure look tempting?” This is your lucky day because now you can take your love of tubular meat to the next level. This masturbation sleeve is styled as ‘discreet.’ But a word of warning: Be sure to clean it well so you don’t have to make up any excuses as to why there is mayonnaise on your hot dog.
The Constant Gardener
It’s safe to say that this bizarre sex toy came straight from someone’s special nightmare. We’re not sure who this thing is supposed to resemble, but one thing’s for certain, the facial hair really ups the creep factor.
Come Into the Light
Ever been going down on someone and lost your way? Problem solved, the Oral Sex Light can help navigate your path to pleasure. So, the next time you’re going south, simply strap on this convenient lamp, and just like the gentleman on the package, find your way to the clitoris.
The Eager Beaver
Half hamster, half grizzly bear. Whatever your wildest fantasy, this plush-one appears to have satisfying chops. The great thing about this bizarre sex toy is that it can be used for cuddling afterward.
The Hole in One
In case you have any doubt, this is an inflatable sex doll made to look like the greatest golfer ever. Here he is flanked by a bevy of bikini beauties, all of whom are looking lustfully at his back nine. And who can blame them? What stronger aphrodisiac is there than being a golf pro and having the As Seen on TV endorsement deal?
If you like a touch of darkness to your play, or perhaps you just think insects are really sexy, then this toy is for you. Complete with a coffin carrying case, the appropriately named Death by Orgasm has a bullet vibrator wrapped in a scorpion shell. It might be good for living out our Elvira fantasies, come to think of it.
Ghost in the Machine
We all know that sex toys come in all shapes and sizes, but Netherlands-based designer Mark Sturkenboom is taking things to a whole new level of weird. This erotically-shaped urn is part of the “21 Grams” collection: a memory box designed to help grieving people feel the physical presence of their dearly departed. Basically, it’s a dildo that you will be dying to use.
Because Bigger is, well, just Bigger
Feeling inspired by motion in the ocean? These dildos cater an extremely niche market: those who know that, of all the dicks out there, the only one’s that really matter are that of an aquatic nature. Here we have an example of the Killer Whale Cock and the Squildo. Imaginative indeed, because there is nothing like being sexually stimulated by wet and horny marine life.
Of all the products most likely to inspire a horror flick, this may just top the list. Let’s have a “just imagine” moment. It’s 2 am, and you’ve stumbled your way to the bathroom to take a routine piss. Sitting quietly, with your eyes half-closed, all of a sudden you see a disembodied tongue making its way toward you. Like a slimy villain, it slithers across the cold, tiled floor—licking and licking and licking. Simply put, there’s no ifs, and’s, or but’s -a vibrating tongue is not okay.
People have all types of fetishes. Some are into riding crops, while others go ga-ga over furry giant cocks. But this bizarre sex toy seems to take fetish just a tiny step beyond all comprehension. If you can’t tell already—it’s a rubber foot and vagina combo. Bam! Two for the price of one. To up the ante on the gross-out factor, here’s an actual quote from the company’s website: “Just like the real thing, this foot is ideal to keep in your drawer and take with you on those long business trips!” Uhm, try explaining that one to TSA.
See, sex toys don’t have to be all about you. They can just as easily be used for giving pleasure to another, like, say, your best friend. This may or may not be stuck at the concept phase, but face it, it’s probably the coolest looking dog toy you’ve ever seen.
Talk Sorta Dirty to Me
We all know it’s hot when your lover whispers their desire into your ear. So, why not make a sex toy that does just that? Well… maybe because it ends up being super hilarious when a disembodied voice asks you to take off his shirt and that your skin is so smooth. The upside is that even if you are not having a good time, your vibrator is totally digging your ‘nice slow ride’ and manages to come 4 times whether or not you are there. (Thanks to Searah’s Museum of Screwy Sex Toys for the video!)
Rub My Duckie
Inexplicably mixing an innocent children’s bath tub toy with the debauched needs of a 40-something “Cathy” fan, someone came up with this cute little vibrating dildo duck. Worse yet, it comes in a tiny travel size, for when you plan on leaving home but just don’t have space for your gigantic, novelty duck vibrator in your luggage.
Twerking has danced its way into our hearts and virtually every orifice of our culture, which also now includes bizarre sex toys. Those naughty guys over at Pornhub have even decided to get into the action with the release of its new TwerkingButt. Of course, this sex toy will make you question everything.
While not a sex toy per se, we feel compelled in mentioning Vulva. It’s an original perfume that smells like, well, a vulva. Sure, nature endowed all women with free access to the vulva and all the scents it can muster, but this is even better. According to their site, “After many years of extensive tests and specifically developed procedures of conserving methods, we’ve finally managed to capture the treasured organic vaginal scent in a long-lasting way.” It started with a dream in their garage—just like Microsoft. Maybe in 10 years time, we’ll all be smelling like Vulva.
There are definitely some really bizarre sex toys out there. Whatever your fetish, your fantasy, even a fleeting thought, there’s a very good chance that someone, somewhere will be able to cater to your needs. But just remember one thing—anything can become a sex toy if you’re brave enough!8