Asked by you, answered by Ava
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I find I can reach orgasm alone, and typically need a release about every two days, but struggle with having one with a man. I have used vibrators and toys in the past, but I find myself ashamed of needing them, and that knowing as a woman, I need way more stimulation than a man to reach orgasm. I have a wonderful boyfriend now who is very inexperienced sexually and knowledge-wise, and I find I can’t explain to him what I need to orgasm. I barely know myself. I’ve had partners who are much more knowledgeable and have been incredible, but even then I still struggled.
When I am with a man, I find I can only orgasm lying back against his chest, focusing on a specific fantasy I am ashamed of, and focusing my touch on one specific spot against my pubic bone. I am terrified to communicate that to my boyfriend and have pretty much given up on ever enjoying sex. I feel like it takes too much effort, and wish I could just destroy my need for sex forever so I could just become a conduit for his pleasure only. I used to be a passionate woman, but now I am ashamed of it; feeling it all just seems too hard, and I hate my needs and sexuality. What can I do?
My heart goes out to you. Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because you feel like there is. We are surrounded by media and movies telling women they should orgasm in 5 seconds and only through vaginal penetration. Anything else is perceived as wrong or not sexy. Not only that, there is an assumption that men should be able to make a woman orgasm just like that—nothing more than their magic penis needed.
Granted, if I were in bed with Brad Pitt it might happen like it does in the movies too. But I bet even Angelina needs a little help now and again. There are very few people without some kind of sexual baggage or hang-up. I understand it’s embarrassing to admit, but you are not alone in your needs or your worries.
In fact, I have a friend who had a similar problem. She could only orgasm from toys and felt like there was no other way. She felt horrible. Like she wasn’t attracted to her boyfriend enough or that there was something wrong with her. She put a lot of pressure on herself to figure out what was wrong with her, which of course, only made the problem worse. Her boyfriend noticed something was off. So, it began to affect their relationship.
She felt embarrassed telling her boyfriend she needed a toy. She thought he would react with disgust or take her inability to come from sex personally. She was in tears when she finally confessed she needed toys to get off. So, what did the boyfriend do? He shrugged and said ‘that’s cool’—because he’s a good guy.
What my friend didn’t realize, and what I hope you can see about your man is he didn’t care how she got there. He just wanted to be a part of it. He wanted her to be happy. Regardless if you have a small buzzing toy between you, sex is about you and your partner. Even if you need a certain fantasy, or need to be fucked in the ass with a strap-on, or enjoy dressing up like a clown and singing the national anthem, it’s still part of the wondrous experience you are sharing.
If he doesn’t understand it, then he’s not the one for you.
In fact, recognizing this has probably helped you be more open minded about your lover as well. You say he is inexperienced. That’s great because you have gained compassion through knowing more about your own issues and seeing his without judgment. He might not know what it takes to make you come, but if he’s worth his salt, he’ll be open to listening. Don’t you deserve it as good as you give it?
Sex is about the give and the take. If you need something, barring anything illegal or beyond his comfort zone, then he should be willing to give it to you. And in turn, you must be willing to take pleasure when it is offered. To exclude yourself from the equation is short changing both of you. In theory, you are giving him everything by having sex for his pleasure only. But really if you do not share yourself with him, that’s being selfish too. You are hiding from him. While he may be thinking you two are equals, you are actually keeping yourself out of the game. If you do care for him, and if you do I assume it’s because you feel he’s trustworthy with your heart, then it’s important, to be honest about your sexual needs.
Also, you are approaching this like it’s not sexy to watch a woman get off with a toy. However, the millions of porn videos with women using vibrators tell us otherwise. What’s more is he can play a part in this too. Having him there with you makes the experience hotter. Let him know how much you are loving the feel of his mouth on your nipples or his cock in your mouth when using your toy. Odds are, he will be so turned on by your moans of pleasure he will just be happy to be there to witness it.
Concerning your fantasy, I think most people would agree that they don’t mean anything. And we say that because we have ALL have weird thoughts during the heat of the moment. But this is a little different from using toys because it seems to work just fine being in your head. You can share it with him whenever you’re ready. Who knows? He may be into it too, or he may be willing to act it out. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing, then keep it to yourself. But don’t let it eat away at you. It’ll only have power if you let it.
Don’t give up on yourself. You may find as you explore or get comfortable that you are capable of orgasming from many different ways, but you have to start with being okay with you. From there, make sure he’s okay with you too. And trust me, in this line of work I’ve seen it all. I find it very heartening. Whatever your kink or whatever weird thing you are into, there is someone out there who’s into it too. If he’s not the one who will accept you for who you are, then find the guy who is into you—the whole you.1